I'm not alone?

Today has felt like an odd day. Everyone keeps asking how I am, but truthfully I am not sure how I feel. Sometimes I feel like dancing then at the same time crying. And Bethany needs support. Cause she and her bf( who just isn't mature enough) did it. And know he is acting strange. I think they should have waited. I just don't feel like making an effort. Last night was the worst. Dad being all pissy about everything. and my wrist is so sore now. So I cut my hip. Bethany pretends she knows all about, but sometimes she is to fake and involved w/ herself. I don't understand anymore. Since James, I've just screwed up and it's not like he'll take me back. And I still miss Chris..........I know it's wrong. He doesn't deserve it. Sometimes I feel so grownup? that It's time to die. And when I'm with a current BF I am thinking about the next one. feeling alone would be great, then there wouldn't be these problems.
How much longer can my shoulders hold up the wait of the world?