Taste of me

What to do about James. I do love as I always have, but this other guy is bubbling up in my heart as well. It will be fine as long as we are just friends. But the way this guy is I might break that rule. I always end up hurting someone I love. And I have hurt James so much. If I do something foolish, then he'll truly hate me.
Bitter winter
Leaves so bitter from the winter air
Where once light and green in the spring air
The summer made them moist with dew in morning
Right before the sun scorched the grass
And burnt my pale skin
When birds rarely flied for their wings were heavy with
The summer's happiness
That seems so long ago when brooks soothed my thirsty skin
Now frozen, all glazed over, barren and so dark
And the birds stay still took keep from freezing
I will wait for the time when all is fresh and new
When all rejoices at the sun
When i am whole and well again
The leaves will shine bright green once more
Well theirs you taste of my poetry. I right about nature, modern things, and feelings. I will be submitting more of my work later. want to know a secret. I just made that up of the top of my head. I love to write, it helps me express what at first I could not talk about. I believe anyone is reading this they can see how much I've changed. I hope they were not to disgusted with my first posts.

TWILIGHT

As mentioned once before, we will be discussing TWILIGHT, right now. The books are well written the love so fresh and honest. It wrench's your heart and makes you swoon. Not to mention Its so dark. Dark is always beautifully. Then I mean its about vampires! The most wicked mythological creature their is( beside faeries of course). I would love to have my own prince of darkness. Now I'm not brain washed like most of the country. I read TWILIGHT when it came out in 2005. It it took 4 years to catch on! That's why I believe I'm a true fan. I finished the series a week ago( the last book). It was a very pleasant ending. Not at all tragic, like I hoped it might be. Of course Bella becomes a vampire and her and Edward live happily ever after. Very cookie cutter for a dark book. But as I said it was a fine ending. But what is with Edward. The only flaw her HAD was barely being able to resist Bella's blood. That guy was a god. Very unusual. Well get back to me on what you think.

My head is spinning

I put myself down in print but I realize you don't know me. I've never shared my art or poems. I haven't let the real me shine through. I bet you thought you got all of me but truly it was but a glimpse. I have talked to a person I'm not even sure exist. He is someone I always dreamed of meeting. Someone to discuss music, books, art, language, poetry, and philoshpy. This guy Carlos is extremely intelligent. I have never had a more stimulating conversation. He almost frustrates me with his insight. He just seemed to grab my attention and never give it back. I'm afraid I'm already obsessed. He is Gothic. Which warms me to my freezing toes. Maybe he's been damaged as bad as I have been. Guess this he lives very near me, we know the same people! I truly believe in fate know.

Start and end

well today is the last day of school. Christmas is 5 days away! Theirs a party after school today, James and I are going. I'm excited. I got ABBA CD for the gift exchange. It took me forever to think of, cause we had to give a gender friendly girt. And all I could think of was pens. And no one wants pens for Christmas. But that's about all that's going on. Oh yah my ex- best friend is a total skank. She is going out with the first guy I ever fell in love with. She calls me all the time to rub it in my face. They have done it, like 6 times. Oh and they only used protection 1/6. Gawd have fun being pregnant. Whatever I really shouldn't concern myself. Except he had cleaned up and made a good life for himself. Now he's screwing it up all over again. I am going to miss James over break. But I'll try not to think about it.

Go ahead and let them talk/ their words mean nothing/ i know your
scared/well leave this place/ just turn around and letme see your
face/
METRO STATION

Chillin by my self

I cannot focus. Like James isn't at the same tournamet as me. Which basiclly sucks. i hate to sound whiney and attached( cause James seems to hate it when people get attached) Like he crazily refuses to relize that people do get attached, ussualy it's not planned at all. So I love candy coated kisses from the one I love. Take that emo kids. Whatever that means. Ok Dane Cook has to be the funniest comedian in the world. Though he does drop the F bomb alot. Yesterday made me tottaly feel like a marathon runner. I was up and down flight of stairs super fast. well thats it.

Well...........

Well I'm enjoying my crappy cup of coffee I made! Thinking more sleep would have helped. Everyone else is zonked out. So Twilight, Love it hate it? I personally think they are good books. I haven't seen the movie. I'm kinda afraid too.

Full circle

Dude I knew it would happen me and James again. We danced around each other all summer and finally got together. He's in debate club with me. I love being around him. Just like old times. I just really feel comfortable around him. Guess what he got me for Christmas, a CD. I knew that would happen. It's FOREVER THE SICKEST KIDS. I Frackin love it. So its super early I can't sleep. On a trip. My partner and I won all 4 rounds of debate. Then we got back to the hotel and got to swim in the inside pool. I always knew that James and me could not stay from each other. Gosh my roommate is snoring loud!!!! LOL Anywho I try to keep in touch. But you guys don't depend on me. Love the haters!

Halloween

Almost a year ago when I started this blog. Almost Halloween, I can't beleieve all the shiz that has happened since last year. I have a BF again. I talked to him for 3 weeks straight. And we have been going out for a week now. I'm pretty happy. His name is Patrick. I asked my dad if I could have a boyfriend, and he said yes! Which is serious. I'd never asked before. We do alot of cute couple things. And we both hate olives. And his fav color is red, which used to be mine. But he has votech in the morning so I don't see him for 4 hours! I got a cell phone! and now I text him alll the time. La La La. So excited.I haver a quizbowl tournament the 1st

Now now thats wrong!

yha now I thought I wanted to be in love. But I'm no longer interested in serious stuff. I just want to goof around with all kinds of guys. I mean it's high school and some people need to lighten up. Yah sum of my friens are mad that I broke up wit T****(boyfriend) and started being interested in other dudes. To me its my choice! It's not like I cheated on him. Oh god Tim Burton is a funny poet writer. G2G

Total fun and Bulls**t

School hum, is awesome. I'm doing fantastically on my grades. I'm in debate club and quiz bowl. And I have to write a case for the debate thing. It makes me excited and nervous. So I just broke up with my 14 year old boyfriend. We had been going out a month and 3 days. It's like I want to be in love and he is so young. Sometimes its like we are friend then friends with benefits. we are not connecting. He didn't remember my fav color of other obvious stuff about me. Plus I am crazy for this intelligent, funny, happy, silly, and awesome guy. And he really likes me. That's a very watered down version of whats going on. The guys are normally just interested in hooking up with me cause of my looks. Which is major bulls**t. So I'm pretty happy go lightly.

Repeat youself

sometimes it is trully like I have memory loss or brain damage-neither very pretty

Lets clear the air

I about few things so I wouldn't get in trouble(on here). So I used to be super sensitive. I fell for ever guy who so as glanced in my direction. I was hurt so easily by a harsh word. But i rellay grew and developed this year. I grew up.

Jeez

My first entry makes me wanna laugh and vomit. I guess you could say i was pretty emo. And that's just real sad. I didn't even follow my own advice.But life is full of mistakes. I f**ed my grades up. I hurt all the people I cared about. I lost my self respect. I let others use me. I even contemplated becoming a major slut. But one day i woke up. I person i respect very much told me point blank" WHO THE F**K ARE YOU?" Just like her I couldn't recognise myself. I was hollowed eyed. So very empty. Instead of dieing I dragged my self from the(self)wreckage. Mabye others can learn from my expirence. I know I did.

Wisdom plucked

Theres this relient k song and this piece from it is frankly beautiful
"you said the words I knew you knew/oh god oh god I needed you"
if you ever hear this song. you'll see what I mean. Lyrics are what you want to say at certain times but you could neve think of it. If i needed one word to describe me- BUBBLY. If anyone I know is reading this-well it wouldn't take a rocket scinetest to figur its me.All my old blogs you gotta ignore. this is like. a internet diary. Feeling are for one fleeting second, but words are carved forever. But not on my stone. sure i felt that way at one time. and I'm glad I have the records so I always rember stuff but I'm not that person anymore. So everyone who I know who is in these words- forgive me if I hurt you or piss you of the facts remain the same-THIS IS LIFE. We'll you've all been so good for listeing.

The calvary is comin

Just sent the word. I rellay hope someone comes and checks it out. So my favorite things?
1. my boyfreind
2.Birthdays!
3. goffyness(got plenty of that to share)
4.hearts
5.music
6.BLING-BLING(haha)
7.Chessy one liners(is heaven missing an angel?)
8.cooking
9. catchin some zzzzzzzzzzzz
10.laughing tell I cry
11.Being normal(now heres a laugh)
12.Daydreaming
13.watching family guy-only to have to say what the f##k
14.Poetry
15.ABBA
16.disney movies(alice in wonderland)
17.popscicles
18. summer
well dudes thats enough for now

back for good

long time. So I really have to get peoples attention. I read over my blog. It definitely is a piece of work. I think I'll hit up my myspace friends. So i lost 7 pounds this summer. My dad had to get a pace maker and get healthy. So I did to i know weigh 129. which I'm proud of. Last summer I weigh 152. On a 5foot2 frame. I'm now 5'6. i just ran allot-cut out junk food.Learned to make organic dishes. Which was the most fun. so school starts in two weeks for me. I really should have wrote through the summer. But I was way to busy. Are you ready for another year? I know I am. I promise it won't be so crazy. I plan to work my fingers to the bone stay true to my real friends.Something tried to kill me back there. all those months ago(theatrically speaking). But I won.

D.C.F.C and Hott Pink

Got new DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE. Knowledge on that stuff. It's amazing. If they could package up heaven and sale it, then that would be it!! summer vacation has kicked off. And hott pink nail polish is in! Hope your summer is all you ever wanted!!

Horray

i wanna dance and have everyone look. I so glad summer is coming so i can chill and have some fun.;) i might go to Nashville and Tennessee. But I got to survive P.E first. Oppsy got my bf sic. Oh well he'll get over it! so I got have people read this. I need to communicate. so begins the Quest.

I feel that i wish people read this. People, like docters want to learn about teens, they should read my blog

I can live, I can survive

so much , so great!!!!!!!!! Austin and me hung out and my grades are better. WE had are first kiss then we made out and um after a month and a week of being w/him I said the L word. He's going to be my first summer bf!!! It's amazing. Summer is comen!!!!!! Love is in the air. And I got 50 dollars to spend. Bring on the world, my attitude has improved.

He can hold me
and never see me
He can feel me
but never touch me
He can breathe me
but suffocate
this is what love is
I can hardly wait.

Rain, rain rain go away

Rainy today and alot of people got some problems but i'm fine. Austin.............whatever don't even want to talk about him. why does this keep happining? Like I said it's an emo world
swirling green down a window pane
green running in your mouth
green carreseing your chilled finger

Geeting better all the time

So I started dressing sunshiny and making the friends I had before "the group". Which is all the metal punks I hung with. So I feel so much better. Manicures are so cool.

Things are alot better.

WHO CARES!!!!

People say I'm to grown up for this place.................................. it's so shitty...........

A blanket of Despair

Well today freakin blows. A Junior at my small school died. In a car wreck. He was hill topping with another boy. His name was Gauge. He died and the other boy is in the ICU. He could possibly be a vegetable. Only a half a day tomorrow. The whole school is racked by grief. I'm sad even though I didn't know him that well-to think he'll never have a wife,or kids. It's so bad. Then me and Kyle broke up. On this awful day. But I'm sorta relieved. I like this guy named Austin, and I still like James. Wicca and self hypnosis is my only escape. And Bethany drifts so far away. Oh well I don't care its all a shit hole.

Start Fresh

It has been a while. Kyle came back. we've dated then we broke up. We got back together and discussed are differences. Even though ti was for 3 days it was miserable. yesterday I had to get my eyes checked. It was OK. The most AMAZING movie I've seen in my whole life is, ACROSS THE UNIVERSE. The Beatles. The people, the protesting. And I've now written a 9 chapter story. And for the last two months struggled with cutting and bulimia....I've gotten help. And kyle makes things better. I've started practicing Wicca. And find relief there. to everyone out there, keep on going, life's better everyday. Don't waste it.

OMG OMG amazing movie is Across The Universe. Blow your mind. Musicical about the hippies and The Beatles................more later

Recent

Been a while. Brad has come to a full circle. He is completely a dick. And so it's pretty much over. 2 other guys like me. Kyle(ex bf who I cheated on w/Chris) he just moved back(been gone 4 months) Then this guy named Austin Vandunbuckle. It's crazy..............so no ROCK STAR for lunch wah........

My head is not ok

Is it silly to pretend to a rich bi- yah know...I like to be mean just for alittle while. It gets rid of so much stress!!!!!!!!!!!! MY BFF thinks I'm acting funny which I am I guess....Not my fault.Life dealed me a crappy hand of cards. Deppresion hits suddnely .Yah know? I still cut I can't quit. Every two weeks. I let it heal then start again.........

not like 130 is fat cause I'm fine with it. I just feel so strange.

White pills aren't for me(right?!)

I am so right I'm tired of guys. But I want to have one Brad is a good BF though. He dosen't deserve me. I just wish he was more my type. I watched Garden State and cried. It was fucking amazing........I never seen such LOVE. I want that. Zach Braff is just amazing. I think I'm going to throw up. I eat like a horse lately. I weigh like 130 . And probaly more now....God why do I feel so crazy........................wah...................snifffles...I'm good...........

Love triangles make me sic

James, Brad, James, Brad...........I'm so confused I don't want to hurt Brad or go back to James. Guess what I found out is my body wants to be pregnant so bad that I feel the pregnant symptoms. WEIRD! So anyway a guy I like leaned in and put his nose up to me and my heart nearly exploded..........cause I thought he was going to kiss me.........and I wanted him to. Brad rellay likes me! I just get in these weird moods. And these damn symptoms don't help. I rellay want a baby .....................

I'm not alone?

Today has felt like an odd day. Everyone keeps asking how I am, but truthfully I am not sure how I feel. Sometimes I feel like dancing then at the same time crying. And Bethany needs support. Cause she and her bf( who just isn't mature enough) did it. And know he is acting strange. I think they should have waited. I just don't feel like making an effort. Last night was the worst. Dad being all pissy about everything. and my wrist is so sore now. So I cut my hip. Bethany pretends she knows all about, but sometimes she is to fake and involved w/ herself. I don't understand anymore. Since James, I've just screwed up and it's not like he'll take me back. And I still miss Chris..........I know it's wrong. He doesn't deserve it. Sometimes I feel so grownup? that It's time to die. And when I'm with a current BF I am thinking about the next one. feeling alone would be great, then there wouldn't be these problems.
How much longer can my shoulders hold up the wait of the world?

Lies written for liars

Geez! God I sound like a fucking 13 year old. Can't spell a thing. Oh well.

this is now

Things have changed alot. Me and James are over. And in some why it is a relief. I just not attracted to him. We broke up over no communication. And he hates me because I moved on. I just don't like being alone. I am a strong woman, but this is what I need. His name is Brad. He is really refreshing. Tall, well built. And when I kissed him, whoa hadn't felt like that in two months. we talk on the fun and it is great. I give alot in relationships. But I always hope for something back, you'd thing I'd give up. Its like I have short time memory loss. Brad is so down to earth. James controlled himself. I think he takes longer to dress than I do. And Chris, just as a guy hes cool, but in relationships he sucks. So I'm rellay sick. I have infections in my body trying to kill me. But things are working as in medicine.

I think we have an emergancy

SO hum is it bad cutting hum my bad. Your cove is all I think about. COVE my new dirty word from the help of beathanys bro. And bee says commericals make me laugh or her I'm skipping guitar practice...........my arm bleeds and I like it...............